“But hideokojima,” you cry, “Don’t we still have about 6 months until the primaries actually start?”
Nonsense. Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be suffered right here, right now. Also there’s a bunch of life stuff I’m ignoring right now! I hope you’re ready to bomb your expectations through the floor because boy howdy they still won’t be low enough.
~~~Welcome to the 2019/20 Disappointapalooza!!!!~~~
Now, as this is a forum for website primarily about video games, I will do my due diligence by having a cursory skim of a wikipedia article and doing barely any in-depth research. I’m here for a
distractinggood time, not an accurate or informative time.
People Definitely Or Almost Definitely Running
Apparently there’s over 130 people filed to run so here’s what wikipedia says is important.
- Julian Castro - former mayor of San Antonio, TX and Secretary of Housing+Urban Development. slogan is “One Nation. One Destiny” which sounds very fash.
- John Delaney - former Maryland US Rep. never heard of him. slogan is “Focus on the Future” which sounds like absolutely nothing.
- Tulsi Gabbard - Hawaii US Rep. has a logo.
- Richard Ojeda - former West Virginia US Rep. Major. Lifelong Democrat but voted for Trump? Weirdly overwrought logo. Possible white supremacist. My favourite to win for this reason.
- Kamala Harris - California US Senator, former California Attorney General. Not quite confirmed yet, but likely. Loves prisons, loved by liberals.
- Marianne Williamson - Never heard of this person. Apparently a “spiritual teacher” who once tried to run for Congress. Apparently advocates reparations for slavery which puts her above 99% of existing elected officials but believes in open borders (okay!) as long as “individuals are vetted” (ehhhhh). Ultimately an entrepreneur so not to be trusted.
Notable People Who Might Possibly Be Running
- Elizabeth Warren - Massachusetts US Senator. Hey! I know this lady! Also beloved by liberals. Apparently one of the more “progressive” Democrats but still bad for reasons I can’t remember.
- Jay Inslee - Governor of Washington. I don’t know anything about him but Seattle is in Washington and Seattle is cool. Kshama Sawant should run for presidency but also she probably correctly believes the position should be abolished. anyway he’s proably bad also. next in the list:
- Bernie Sanders - i’m very excited for 2016 to never end, which first started 50000000 years
- Joe Biden - former VPOTUS. sucks.
- Michael Bloomberg - Former Mayor of NYC. sucks.
- Cory Booker - New Jersey US Senator. Another liberal darling.
- Oscar de la Hoya - Boxing champion. I don’t expect any of these people to introduce good policies so if he at least punches people who deserve it I’m okay with that.
- Eric Garcetti - Mayor of LA. Sounds like Tommy Carcetti from The Wire, so probably bad.
- Kirsten Gillibrand - New York US Senator.
- Eric Holder - Former US Attorney General under Obama.
- Angelina Jolie - uhhh okay sure
- Beto O’Rourke - Former Texas US Rep. Everyone keeps yelling about him but probably disappointing.
also a bunch of other governors and senators and representatives whose names i don’t really recognise so it’s a w/e from me.
Notable People Who Have Declared They Are Not Running
- Hillary Clinton - sucks. historically not good at this
- James Comey - cop. sucks.
- Andrew Cuomo - sucks.
- Rahm Emmanuel - extremely sucks and i regularly forget is a democrat
- Tom Hanks - ???
- The Rock - ???
- Tim Kaine - see Clinton
- Michelle Obama
- Mark Zuckerberg - personally i will never believe ol’ Zucky is not running for President
- forums user hideokojima - i am not american nor do i believe the office of president to be a legitimate one, but, just in case.
“but what are their policies?!”
unclear at this point but i suspect the majority will be a variation on this:
I don’t know about you but I am extremely excited to see these fine, fine candidates yell over each other to see who can be the most racist and subservient to capital!