Chris Pratt Is Mario? Okey Dokey Then

Yesterday legendary video game developer Shigeru Miyamoto announced the cast of an upcoming Mario animated film. Since then, the world has not known peace.


This is a companion discussion topic for the original entry at https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/93ypzz/chris-pratt-is-mario-okey-dokey-then
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There are only three options for how Pratt can play Mario, and they all suck.

  1. Mario just sounds like Chris Pratt. All charm is removed, and Mario just makes Starlord-y quips at Bowser (but, hopefully, Bowser is also full-on Tenacious D!Jack Black as a counterbalance).
  2. Chris Pratt does a horrible Italian accent/Mario impression. It is lifeless, maybe somehow racist to Italians.
  3. Unable to escape the legacy of the superior adaptation, Chris Pratt does an aggressive New York accent. In this possible version of the film, the funniest joke will be when Donkey Kong voiced by Seth Rogen says banana :banana: but it’s a bit more Minion-y and DK because Illumination.
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Has no one brought up the fact that Pratt flashed his dick at Amy Poehler during a Parks and Rec scene because she wasn’t giving him the response he wanted, and he has not only never actually reckoned with it, but also has faced nothing but a slap on the wrist from NBC execs and praise from critics and his colleagues for his comedic skills?

It seems like this is something that should have been brought up multiple times?

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In the movie, Mario should be restricted to only his lines from the game (e.g. wahoo, yippee, etc.) and that’s it. Change my mind.

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Exhibit A why Mario should talk:

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Enjoy your Pratt Mario then!

If what we get out of this movie are old people posting terrible Donkey Kong memes I will be okay with this.

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Yeah, Pratt is a garbage person. I think a good half of the tweets on my Twitter timeline about it mention either incidents he has had with cast and crews on set, or they are about how he’s just a general right-wing asshole (follows PragerU, Ben Shapiro, etc.) and is associated with some notoriously homophobic organizations. It’s important to bring up, even if he’d be a terrible pick for Mario regardless.

The combination jokes about him being cast as Mario + dunking on him for being an asshole got a few chuckles out of me, at least. And hopefully this’ll be a less popular movie than GotG or Jurassic World.

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I can already feel the monkey’s paw curling on this one. Pun intended.

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You have only established that Mario should sing

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I didn’t think a single announcement could both dishonor the memory of Bob Hoskins and be racist against Italians.