Hi everyone. I’m new here and I know this is probably a really dark first topic but it’s something I’ve been struggling with my whole life. I’m trying my best to better myself as a person and gradually let my troubled childhood and teen years go, but I just keep noticing how I try to meet and form relationships with good people but good people never seem to want to give me the time of day. I can’t really blame them because I have an awful personality and I was never even properly taught how to communicate with others. Everyone says that people usually find and flock to a select few like them and remain with those people forever. I’ve never found such people. I’ve cut ties with so many people close to me because they were just…garbage people with no morals. I hate that whatever I do the only people that ever develop interest in me are the worst of the worst. And that when I show them I don’t want to be around them I have to endure their insults. I have friends don’t get me wrong but - they’re online friends and we’re in different time zones. I barely catch them awake and when I do it’s for a hot minute before they tell me they have to go. And it’s sad because I really value these people and these people value me. Don’t get me wrong these inconveniences do not diminish from our relationships. I just can’t keep going like this - being lonely for days on end until i get home and talk to my friends at 11:40 PM and then go to sleep 20 minutes after that. I hope I can find friends here but for the time being does anyone have any good coping methods? Do I get preoccupied with making art, do I try speedrunning a video game, what do yall propose I do?
Wow thats a rough situation. You seem pretty introspective, so its hard for me to see you having a awful personality. I think you should take pride in the fact that you are willing to self examine your thoughts and motives. That’s the first and key step to becoming "better’. It’s hard to find people to relate to these days. I also totally understand the feeling of people not having time for you ( especially on the weekend). As to how to cope I think art is indeed a helpful way. Are you familiar with the philosopher Schopenhauer at all? The way you brought up art as a potential method made me immediately think of him.
I believe youve already started solving your problem, but just need support. Your answer will lie in your study of yourself, and youve already shown courage by posting a post like this.
Me personally I cope by creating art, playing RPGs (with character creation), reading philosophy and history,music, sometimes anime. If you ever want to chat about any of these kinds of things I’m always up for it.
Thanks for replying with kindness skdkjsdjksd
I always stop focusing on problems the minute i start working on art but the thing is that I’m most good at is drawing but im a perfectionist and i don’t have that good of a tablet so drawing can become a chore more than a fun thing to do especially given the fact that wherever I post it nobody bats an eye EVEN if its fan art.
A thing I’m planning to do is buy instruments and get into music and make-up and maybe then I’ll just get caught up with so much stuff I’ll never have to think about loneliness. My whole motivation behind doing art is that I see i suck at socialising so I have no choice but to make people respect me through my talent as weird as that sounds lmao
Hahaha I get that. Sometimes when I feel ignored I have similar thoughts. I think one day when I finish writing a great book or become an important person in the world they’ll all see. I think we should not let our happiness be dependent on others (way easier said than done). People will always let you down if you put too much faith in them. If you can find peace within yourself you’ll be set, but the journey is really difficult.
I guess another way to look at it is that many of the people we hope to impress or want to notice us have their own secret demons as well. few people on earth are truly happy, but some hide it better than others.
I try not to judge people because even the greats had humble beginnings, for all I know you may literally be the next big Music celebrity or great politician. How fake would it be for me to ignore your post now, but then wait for you to be famous to pretend to care. Most people will only deal with you when they have something to gain, but it is possible to find people who actually care. Those are the people worth impressing, worth fighting for their respect. The ones who callously overlook you now, may not actually be worth your time anyways.
It’s just tough being alienated cuz once people put u in the friendless weirdo category literally anything u say or do isnt taken seriously. Like one of the hardest things I tried doing was literally convincing people from my class to treat me with basic human decency and for whatever reason they just couldnt. I don’t get why people are dependant on their toxic ways. Like…kinda personal but im mentally ill so i go back and forth between narcissism and complete self-hatred but during both situations I’m still taking into account my actions and trying to grow from them. Some people just don’t wanna do that. They’d rather do anything BUT that and that’s what gets me frustrated.
smh, I’m so glad I’m done with school. I think its kind of amazing your able to navigate your situation with such clarity. You’re totally right, many people do not take account for their actions. It’s impressive that you can and do while also dealing with the burden of mental illness.
Alienation is soooo Rough!!! lol
I had a significant existential crisis myself some years ago. I felt like the more authetic and true to myself I became, the more it alienated me from the people around me. Also the more I studied and bettered myself the less I was able to relate to the people around me. I’m a former philosophy student at The university of New Orleans (graduated last year). At the time I brought my concerns to 3 philosophy teachers and they gave me 3 different answers. I had my own real life parable play out. You are lonely, but you are definitely not alone if that makes sense. There are many people that have been and still are in similar shoes (including myself). This trial is bound to make you an awesome person. WARNING: CORNY VIDEO GAME METAPHOR APPROACHES . Think about it like a very long tough mission on a rpg, at the end of this chapter in life your bound to get bounds of XP, and you’ll level up significantly. You’ll have new skills, new abilities, and possibly meet and develop relationships with some new characters along the way.
As someone who’s been there, I would first of all like to say - don’t let anyone believe you have an awful personality. I mean, there are people with awful personalities in the world, but they’re generally Nazis and sexual predators, which I don’t believe you are. What happens is that you have a personality that doesn’t resonate with what people are taught to believe is the right way to behave and think about things. However that manifests itself, I don’t know, because I don’t know you. But whatever it is, it’s not awful. It’s actually better than anything most people have to offer.
But yes, it’s hard being alone, and that’s why you end up with people who aren’t great and don’t deserve you. They’ve also been rejected by most people, but for very different reasons. But they won’t always be the only ones. I’ve gone through my 6 years in university not making any new friends, but now I make new friends pretty much wherever I go. I still don’t befriend everyone, but I always find someone to relate to. And that’s because after school, the boundaries of geography and background get much more limiting and you find more people that are likely to appreciate who you are.
The important thing is to hang in there and work on yourself. If other people can’t appreciate you yet, you need to hunker down and work on the things that are important to you. Whether it’s painting, music, or anything else (and yes, gaming can definitely be a form of self-expression if you treat it right), dedicate yourself to it if you really love it. Having something in your life that you’re passionate about isn’t just important on its own. It’s how you build character and confidence, and both of those things will greatly benefit you in the future.
Just don’t become cynical or hateful of people. That doesn’t lead anywhere good, and people are mostly not to blame for their own prejudice. Don’t let this hardship make you any less human.
haha thanks for the affirmation!
I’ll be graduating high school this may, I just hope I find people who get me in university cuz lord knows high school did not help ONE BIT
thank you so much. Though i just feel like one of the better things to do to not hate myself so much is letting go of my past. Idk how the situation was with you guys but when i was going through my teenage years (14-16) i was a shitty person. I don’t wanna sound like I’m making excuses but I’ve been through a lot of abuse from my parents side and i just wanna let it go and start a new but I can’t stop feeling guilty about some of the things i did.
I think university can be waaay better, you can kind of self select the people you hang with a little easier.
University is way better then high school, just don’t do what I did my first two years and just hide in your dorm room or you will find yourself miserable. Joining on campus clubs is a great way to find people with similar interests.
Just remember that next to no one is going to know who you are so none of the baggage is going to carry over.
thanks for the advice!
Being lonely fucking sucks. I’ve never had a lot of friends and it’s a familar feeling. I disappeared into my distractions and dug myself into a pit of anxiety that it took me years to get out of. Unfortunately, most of it was my fault. I had an idea about the kind of person I was and what kind of person I wanted to come across as and neither included being nice and accepting. Online relationships are much much less work and some of my closest friends for a long time were people I’d never met because I didn’t have to be leave the house, put in hard yards to show up to stuff and just be a person people want to be around. All those relationships needed was for someone to be bored and online, not any desire to actually spend time in my physical company and enjoy hanging out.
I coped by getting really fucking fit and developing an eating disorder, so suffice to say coping isn’t really something I’d encourage. When you move on to university or technical college or a job or something you’ll meet a very different group of people who know nothing about you and would probably like to be well-disposed towards you so just be nice and you’ll be shocked how readily you’ll fall into a good group of friends.
A new environment should help, but I’ll affirm and add to @keydemographics comment and say you need to put yourself out there and not expect people to come to you for any kind of relationship. You mentioned you like art? Find a dedicated group of like-minded students on campus. Common interests are a wonderful way to break down those barriers you may have put up in terms of connecting with others. Good luck! You sound like you’re on the right path - all the happiness and strength to you moving ahead.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer! I’m sorry I couldn’t reply sooner, I was out for food dskldsklsd
I’d just like to thank you and everyone for encouraging my first steps towards adulthood! love u all u beautiful people <3
Thank you so much!! Good luck to your future endeavours too!
As someone who has barely left the house in nearly a decade now after a mis-diagnosis led to PTSD (and an autism diagnosis) I am totally aware of how FUBAR depression, anxiety and loneliness can make someone. I’m going to go the other way to advising to “go out there and meet ppl” advice as its never worked for me.
Reading Phillip K Dick novels as a kid i quickly latched on the idea of nulls (WH40k’s eisenhorn stole these too) given i had the same issue as you. As a undiagnosed autistic i “passed” for most of the time, which left me with a very negative view of people on the whole and don’t recommend that approach; namely be true to who you are.
There’s a really tough mountain to climb with being comfortable alone; I’m only partially in this boat after getting several cats some time ago and they keep me focussed on getting up, maintaining a very basic routine around their food and cleaning up their litter trays etc. I talk to my cats a lot and have really tried to accept no one is going to be a friend of mine beyond twitter or discord and have to just accept that. You have to fill that space, and although i hope this doesn’t upset you, maybe let go of ever expecting to have friends.
Sorry if this isn’t helpful or didn’t make sense… I do try to condense my thoughts but think in novels and talk in seasons <3
There are people who would love to be your friends outside social media. I just feel as though we (the people struggling with this) are pretty special - of course it’s hard for special people to find someone they click with. I’ve always wanted a cat but my parents won’t let me have one due to allergies on their side. The “go out there and meet ppl” advice is cliche but I still find that there is SOME valid points in it. I would’ve never met my best friend Deya if I wasn’t curious/ lonely enough to make a tumblr and brave enough to talk to her. Even though I left tumblr and she’s giving up on it we still hold it in our hearts as the place where we met. I just think we should keep on searching for the people we’re compatible with. Giving up on people, at least for me, is impossible because all I’ve been fighting for all this time is validation and love from an IRL person. I just cant. Thanks for sharing your story though! Wish you all the best.
Hey. This is my first post also; hopefully its helpful. It sounds like you are a very self-aware person, which is a blessing and a curse in equal measures, but in the long run will hopefully allow you to have a much more fulfilling life than many people manage.
I’m a bit further along life’s path than you, but your situation sounds very familiar. One of the big realisations that made life much more bearable for me was recognizing that I was mostly comfortable on my own, and I would mostly chose that over garbage friends. I certainly wouldn’t feel bad about cutting people out of your life who are not enriching it in some way.
University is a good place to meet new people but there will still be plenty of garbage people there who are not interested in growing as a person, which is disappointing.
One thing I found very useful around that time was doing other courses / things. I was never much of a drawer myself, but I took up a life drawing course with a very talented tutor who would push everyone pretty hard to improve and change the way they worked.
I wonder if something like that might be a good option, as it might give you another perspective on your drawing which doesn’t have to be so perfectionist, and also allows you to meet people who have also chosen to be there which tends to weed out most of the garbage people.
The other thing that I realised around that time was that I had a different idea of success than most people, and I’ve slowly been working towards that. I’m not actually interested in money or success in the traditional sense, all I want is to earn enough to be able to eat, have somewhere of my own and have time to myself. I find it a lot easier to engage with people online, even people who I know IRL, so I’m quite careful to make as much time for that as I can and the work I chose to do now is pretty menial, but mostly allows me to leave the job at the door. I think having as clear an idea of what you want from life can help in finding that direction (but having only found it ~28 years into it, its not necessarily an easy thing).
Sorry this ended up a bit of a ramble, hope some of it helps!
Thank you so much for replying! This definitely helped don’t feel bad for rambling. I think it’s best to just leave things as they are for a bit as I don’t want to make drastic decisions I might regret later down the line. I’ll keep your words in mind at all times.