Epic or Hilarious Tabletop RPG stories?

I’ve read the Half-orc Luchador, the monk fail-for-all, the bard with the golden fiddle, and the story of Sir Bearington. I want to know if any of you have some epic or hilarious stories from when you’ve played PF, D&D, Rifts, or any other game you might have played.

Highlights from running Call of Cthulhu for two years, starring Jet, possibly the single worst TTRPG player I’ve ever had to deal with:

Me: The room is empty.

Jet: Occult roll.

Me: On what?

Jet: The room.

Me: Ok, you’re at the public library.

Jet: Roll library use.

Me: On what?

Jet: To see if there are any magic books.

Me: In the public library?

Jet: Where else would they be?

Me: The hideous deep one is reading something out of a book. Smoke is beginning to coalesce around him. As you watch, he lifts the baby from the table and lays it on the altar. They are unaware of your presence.

Jet: I tackle the deep one (http://dreamsofcarcosa.com/deepone.jpg).

Me: Jet, you’d have to run through the entire cult gathering to even get near the deep one.

Jet: I’ll shoot them.

Me: Jet, you have six shots, there are 20 armed cultists and a hideous demonic creature. 21 is more than 6.

Jet: I’ll run fast, is there a run roll?

Me: No it’s a base speed.

Jet: Then I shoot the deep one.

Me: Jet…why? They don’t know you’re here.

Jet: I SHOT THE DEEP ONE <rolls>.

Me: <Rolls for the deep one>, you missed. Roll initiative.

Jet: I just run away.

Me: You’re at the bottom of a ship’s smokestack into which it took your entire party to lower you because you can’t make climb rolls. The only ways out are up the rope and through the boiler room.

Jet: I tackle the deep one.

Me: You run at the mob and are eviscerated before you even get halfway to the creature. Reroll your character, Jet.

Me: The people in the submarine are completely unaware of your presence, they don’t seem to be able to see you at all.

Beard: I touch one of them.

Me: Nothing happens, you feel them, but it doesn’t seem like they can feel you.

Jet: I take out my gun and shoot the nearest guy in the head.

Me: …okay, you do that. The bullet ricochets off his head <rolls for ricochet> and hits Beard <rolls for hit location> in the face <rolls for damage> for 21 damage. Roll for temporary insanity.

Jet: Why?

Me: Because you just blew off your friend’s face.

Jet: That’s stupid.

Me: Jet…

Jet: Fine <rolls a 1, crit fail>.

Me: Roll again.

Jet: <Rolls a 1 again>

Me: You’re stricken with claustrophobia. <Looks up claustrophobia rules> and since you’re trapped in a submarine you take SAN damage every round until you make two successful SAN rolls.

Jet: <Fails a million rolls>. This is stupid, I’m just going to shoot myself in the foot.

Party: What.

Jet: I remember in the rules it said that extreme pain would break insanity.

Me: No jet, that’s not a thing.

Jet: Yeah it is <continues insisting it’s a thing>. I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT, DAMMIT.

Me: Ok, you <rolls for damage> blow your foot clean off.

Jet: And?

Me: You’re lying on the floor without a foot. Nearby Beard is bleeding out, missing half his face. Make your SAN rolls.

Jet: But I’m not insane cause I blew off my foot.

Me: If anything that’s proof that you are insane.

Ethan: I go down into the submarine.

Me: You’re greeted with the situation we’ve been resolving for the past half hour.

Ethan: I shoot Jet in the head.

Me: Jet dies. Reroll your character, Jet. You’re not allowed to use guns this time.

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I tend to play with lesser experienced groups that aren’t always necessarily there to engage in deep roleplaying, so I generally keep it lighthearted and fun. Unfortunately, this usually ends up with me needing to write a bunch of rules. A few examples:

  • I had a pathfinder game where one of my players was an alchemist, and at one point in the journey I had given the crew a set of golf clubs as a reward for a quest, along with a set of rules I had made for golfing in Pathfinder. Several hours later, the crew was scouting out an encounter about 120 yards away or so. They decided to have the alchemist stay back with a 5 iron, some tees, and a bunch of flasks and swing flasks at the enemies while everyone else started charging at the enemies. So the enemies were being chipped away at for several turns by this golfing alchemist and were easily handled by the time the rest of the crew met up with them. It was a very fun fight!
  • Same campaign one of my player characters was an incredible chef, so I created an encounter for the characters that was essentially a round of cutthroat kitchen where they needed to kill the creature they were asked to prepare (cockatrice) and avoid being killed by the opposing chef-combatants, and finish the meal within the allotted time.
  • Different campaign one of the towns they went to had a casino in it, so players had chances to play actual rounds of blackjack for in-game money. Really I just wanted an excuse to play cards, and this was a good one.
  • In a dungeon world campaign, I gave one of my players a gauntlet that could punch through walls. This ended up being incredibly useful when they were fighting a giant purple worm and got swallowed whole. They asked if they could use the gauntlet to attempt to punch through the throat of the worm, and I allowed them. They rolled a perfect 12! The worm reeled over, and the player was able to escape, I then asked them to roll for damage this caused to the worm: 1 HP.

Overall, I the players I played with were incredibly creative and came up with tons of different fun ideas. I haven’t played in year because we all got busy but I miss GMing with the groups I did. So much fun!

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So several years ago, I was running a D&D campaign for some friends and coworkers. It was my first time being a DM and three of the five players were brand new. So there was a bit of excitement and interest.

The campaign was simple and very straightforward. I made it linear just so that I could get better at being a DM and keep it simple for the new players. I did run this by our other two veteran players who were cool with it. Up until one night…

One of the veteran players decided he was going to play as a new race he came up with and add a bunch of homebrew rules to what was supposed to be a simple linear campaign. He gave me a very thick notebook filled with all the rules and lore he came up with. It was very overwhelming as I went over it one night and finally sent him a message asking if he could do something simpler. I explained again that this was my first time as a DM and I just wanted to get a good start. Also, I want to give the three other brand new players a good experience for their first game. He didn’t take it well.

At the time, we made a facebook group so that we could discuss and schedule our games. I woke up one morning to a three paragraph post to everyone detailing how I was “killing Dungeons and Dragons.” He was nitpicking every little detail about my campaign. Complaining about how linear it is and how I was “going easy” on the party. He then said that I was stifling his creativity by not allowing he 50+ page character sheet into the game. It was a lot.

I tried to calmly explain what we went over this before. That I was new to being a DM and that I had three new players. Everyone made character sheets that described their characters physical appearance and personality. He made a giant backstory making his character this “chosen one” archetype with several homebrew rules that he imposed on me. I explained that it was overwhelming and I didn’t have time to fit this into the campaign.

He then wrote me a five paragraph message on Facebook why I was wrong.

At that point, I was tired of him harassing me and I told him he can either leave and find a more experienced group that allows homebrew stuff. Or he could either go back to our original agreement with a simple beginner friendly campaign. He caved and came back to our group with a much more simpler character sheet. But he still tried to do his whole “chosen one” bs which I quickly shot down.

Two months later he moved. That’s when I blocked him on Facebook.

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