I’ve read the Half-orc Luchador, the monk fail-for-all, the bard with the golden fiddle, and the story of Sir Bearington. I want to know if any of you have some epic or hilarious stories from when you’ve played PF, D&D, Rifts, or any other game you might have played.
Highlights from running Call of Cthulhu for two years, starring Jet, possibly the single worst TTRPG player I’ve ever had to deal with:
Me: The room is empty.
Jet: Occult roll.
Me: On what?
Jet: The room.
Me: Ok, you’re at the public library.
Jet: Roll library use.
Me: On what?
Jet: To see if there are any magic books.
Me: In the public library?
Jet: Where else would they be?
Me: The hideous deep one is reading something out of a book. Smoke is beginning to coalesce around him. As you watch, he lifts the baby from the table and lays it on the altar. They are unaware of your presence.
Jet: I tackle the deep one (http://dreamsofcarcosa.com/deepone.jpg).
Me: Jet, you’d have to run through the entire cult gathering to even get near the deep one.
Jet: I’ll shoot them.
Me: Jet, you have six shots, there are 20 armed cultists and a hideous demonic creature. 21 is more than 6.
Jet: I’ll run fast, is there a run roll?
Me: No it’s a base speed.
Jet: Then I shoot the deep one.
Me: Jet…why? They don’t know you’re here.
Jet: I SHOT THE DEEP ONE <rolls>.
Me: <Rolls for the deep one>, you missed. Roll initiative.
Jet: I just run away.
Me: You’re at the bottom of a ship’s smokestack into which it took your entire party to lower you because you can’t make climb rolls. The only ways out are up the rope and through the boiler room.
Jet: I tackle the deep one.
Me: You run at the mob and are eviscerated before you even get halfway to the creature. Reroll your character, Jet.
Me: The people in the submarine are completely unaware of your presence, they don’t seem to be able to see you at all.
Beard: I touch one of them.
Me: Nothing happens, you feel them, but it doesn’t seem like they can feel you.
Jet: I take out my gun and shoot the nearest guy in the head.
Me: …okay, you do that. The bullet ricochets off his head <rolls for ricochet> and hits Beard <rolls for hit location> in the face <rolls for damage> for 21 damage. Roll for temporary insanity.
Me: Because you just blew off your friend’s face.
Jet: That’s stupid.
Jet: Fine <rolls a 1, crit fail>.
Me: Roll again.
Jet: <Rolls a 1 again>
Me: You’re stricken with claustrophobia. <Looks up claustrophobia rules> and since you’re trapped in a submarine you take SAN damage every round until you make two successful SAN rolls.
Jet: <Fails a million rolls>. This is stupid, I’m just going to shoot myself in the foot.
Jet: I remember in the rules it said that extreme pain would break insanity.
Me: No jet, that’s not a thing.
Jet: Yeah it is <continues insisting it’s a thing>. I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT, DAMMIT.
Me: Ok, you <rolls for damage> blow your foot clean off.
Me: You’re lying on the floor without a foot. Nearby Beard is bleeding out, missing half his face. Make your SAN rolls.
Jet: But I’m not insane cause I blew off my foot.
Me: If anything that’s proof that you are insane.
Ethan: I go down into the submarine.
Me: You’re greeted with the situation we’ve been resolving for the past half hour.
Ethan: I shoot Jet in the head.
Me: Jet dies. Reroll your character, Jet. You’re not allowed to use guns this time.