It has been interesting kinda… not considering myself… at all for a long time, and hearing descriptions/experiences with gender dysphoria, and generally having assumed that… everyone experienced that? Eventually coming to terms with the idea that, perhaps that wasn’t just a part of being a person?
So - I started exploring gender more openly, if even just to myself. It helped a lot. I came to terms with the fact that “yeah, I’d go through HRT and beyond if I had any opportunity to do so” wasn’t really a cis male thing, nor was the uhh… well… I have no desire to repeat toxic internal dialogues, or frankly repeat them, but hey, yay for this thread. Uhh…
The TLDR version being that - I found a place I was comfortable enough with, and… it’s not a place I could suggest to someone else and feel good about, I don’t think. In a confined space, a private space, I can be a woman. I’ve come out to friends, who have so far been extremely supportive, and try their best. They make mistakes, and I beat myself up, for not being female enough. For not transitioning. I’ve come out to family, and, with a couple of uhh… well, my sister at least, has been extremely supportive.
(As an aside, as I sit here ruining my makeup crying writing, re-writing, re-writing, deleting, writing, and re-writing this, I realize I don’t really know how I’d like to get to my point, then retreating back to I don’t know what, if any point I’d like to make.)
I guess what I’d say is - ignore the bullshit. If you want to experiment with clothing, or makeup, or nail polish, or how you envision yourself, do it. Fuck everything you think about genders, conformity, presentation. What makes you happy? What makes you feel good?
Wearing women’s clothes, nail polish, lipstick, even if just in private, has, in the past year or two, given me the ability to look in a mirror, or a selfie mode camera, and… not… hate what I saw? Not have a weird… -
What is my point?
Apologies, I’m trying to not delete anything, as it feels like this thread is, if not demanding, best, if responded to as honestly as possible, so despite normally probably deleting this post four or five times over so far, I’m continuing. Unfortunately, I’m almost exactly two weeks fresh from having come out to my mother, and she uhh… scored highly on “reacting badly to a child coming out” bingo, and invented a few squares, and for whatever reason, writing this is circling around that emotional drain. - even that though…
In probably the worst, least healthy bad ways, even that became - validating? I begin to fear I’ll say something exceedingly unhealthy, but even in moments of rejection, something about the honesty, or, perhaps the shared experience, felt honest, or real in a way that… doing or saying nothing never would?
I guess that’s how I’d characterize my coming to terms with, and eventually coming out to people. Higher highs, in ways I didn’t imagine. Lower lows, in ways that… suck, but… make me more confident? I’m replacing emotional support based on incorrect assumptions if not lies with emotional support of people who accept reality, and that’s so much better.
Nobody should tell you who you are. Go inward, with an open mind. Experiment. Present as femme as you want. Figure out what gender means to you, and where you feel comfortable for you. Doing so in private at first, or for however long as you wish, is probably a good first step on that path.
The only wrong answer is one given to you by someone else for their comfort.