Gender Stories Share Zone


#21

No it’s all good! I get fuzzy feelings thinking about this thread, so I’m totally down with kicking it up again.

Um, this is tough stuff and it’s something I am still very much going through. My friend gave me a book, Transgender History by Susan Stryker, that seems really good, though I haven’t gotten started on it because of school.

Something that helps me out is finding others who experience similar things, whether in the real world or online. I volunteer with the gay-straight alliance at my university, I follow a lot of trans/non-binary people on twitter and on tumblr and that’s helped me ground my experience in the experience of others.

Some public trans/non-binary people in gaming circles that would be good to follow are Carolyn Petit (@ carolynmichelle) Liz Ryerson (@ ellaguro) , Heather Alexandra (@ transgamerthink), (Joni Kittaka @ even_kei), Amr Al-Aaser (@ siegerettes)

I’m also in a fairly conservative area, though the university can help with that a bit, and there are always people around. So even if you don’t feel safe going out and trying to meet other people, just knowing that there are trans people around you can be comforting. LGBT+ people are always around, everywhere.

Feeling “real” in gender identity is really hard and I hope this helps a little bit.

Edit: also, sorry for taking a while to reply to this. I didn’t see it until today!


#22

Y’all things have been starting to add up recently and I am, kinda starting to panic

  1. Always wanted to be much more feminine
  2. Want to wear dresses and stuff
  3. Hate being called sir, kinda love it when people hear my higher pitched voice over the phone and think I’m a woman
  4. Literally every time I day dream or fantasize it involves being a different person, specifically a woman
  5. CW genitals/sex While I’m fine with having a penis, and am interested in sex, penetration is something I’ve always had 0 interest in

Hey I think I might want to be a woman and this is terrifying


#23

I know I don’t know you but I just want to affirm that its good to recognize those feelings, and it’s OK to be afraid. Gender is big and scary for me too, and for lots of people. You are you, and if thats a woman thats totally awesome!


#24

Well, since this thread has been bumped anyways, update:
In February, after a week or so stay in a hospital for DKA, the cause of which being self neglect, I started looking into how possible transitioning would be.

I’m 27 days into HRT, out to every person I know, almost all of whom gender me correctly, and call me by my new name. I’m 100 miles from home, watching a friends dog, in a tank top and a skirt, eating better, exercising, getting excited about clothes. (Instead of basically draping whatever hand-me-down/free promotional t-shirts hid my body and looked terrible.)

It’s weird being happy, with hindsight. I feel very lucky. <3


#25

I’ve come here to say; big mood.

I sort of realized last December that being constantly exhausted about the insecurities I had about my body was actually just gender dysphoria, and that cis dudes don’t usually look at women and want to be them. It was a heck of a thing.

I’d recently made a bunch of friends who are trans which, I think, helped me realized what I was feeling, and that there’s more options than feeling shitty about the way you are until you’re dead.

I’m not out to anyone IRL, and I don’t think I can really safely live and work where I’m at right now if I was to transition and not pass (which I kinda feel like I never really can) but I’m hoping soon that I’ll be able to find a place where I do feel safe, and FINALLY own some clothes I don’t hate.


#26

Hey this thread’s back again! I’ve wanted to express my gender experience for a while!

As a kid, I’ve always really identified with stories where a character you thought was human turns out to be hiding their true form of some beautiful creature. When I was young, I’ve never really felt comfortable in my own body and I’ve always wanted that feeling of shedding my original body for something better.

This isn’t really about wanting to become a girl, though there were occasions when I was young where I wanted things that were coded by society as girly. One big example that comes to my mind were the times I wanted to wear nail polish. Another stemmed from the fact that I admired more feminine fantasy creatures like witches and mermaids than I did more masculine creatures. When I couldn’t express that, I sort of developed a sort of bitter, misguided jealousy towards those things that I regret having.

Later in my teens, I discovered some kind of gender identity quiz that was making the rounds online. After I took the test, the results were that I was 50% masculine and feminine, and that I was undifferentiated/androgynous. I didn’t know why at the time, but those results made me so happy. The thing was, the quiz itself wasn’t very good, as it had some weird qualifiers for what it identified was masc or femme. But the fact that an outside source told me that I could be something else, and that my feelings were valid, meant a lot to me.

While Twitter wrecked my life and my brain in many ways, the one thing I will always be grateful for is that the site exposed me to a lot of queer voices. One thing that I saw fairly rarely were trans people who would post their transition timeline. I always thought that was the most beautiful thing (although I totally understand why many trans people don’t do it) as I thought it reflected what I felt as a child. I’ve wanted to have something like that, but I never thought that I could be trans. But then I noticed a common sentiment amongst a lot of trans people: If you want to be trans, be trans!

It took a bit for that to really sink in, but when it did, it was the most gratifying thing I had ever felt. Whenever I would click on “other” for a gender selection that same sense of euphoria would kick in.

I am still deeply closeted, as I suspect that most of the folks close to me would not be thrilled by it, especially my parents. It also doesn’t help that I live in Maine, where queer spaces are extremely sparse. But my identity has been mitigating my depression, helping me truck along life in the hopes of coming out to people when I feel comfortable.

I hope this wasn’t too long and exhausting of a post, I’ve just wanted to get this off of my chest for the longest time, and this thread seemed like the best place to write about it.


#27

I’ve enjoyed reading every entry in this thread so far and I want to thank everyone for their openness and courage in sharing their stories.

There was this one thought that kept crossing my mind in my early twenties: I feel like a gay man that is attracted to women. This was before I knew anything about gender identity and lesbian transwomen.

Like @graceinthemachine I started to follow transpeople and gender-non-conforming folks on twitter in my mid twenties and it opened up a whole new world for me. I came out as non-binary to a few friends of mine in 2016.

I started to come out to close family members as bisexual in may, after connecting with other black, queer people in Switzerland. Seeing all these amazing and kind people live in their truths is giving me the courage to come out more often and it feels so liberating. Last weekend Zurich had it’s Pride March and it was the first time I ever attended and it felt amazing.

I’ve been experimenting with different lipstick and nail polish colours for the past few weeks and honestly, it feels like I’m coming home. I kept my nail polish on as I went to work on monday. We went on a teambuilding trip that day and all of my coworkers kept asking me, why I painted my nails. The first few times I managed to answer with a clear: ‘Because it looks good!’ That didn’t stop the stupid comments though and at the end of the day I gave in when the wife of my boss offered to remove the polish for me. She couldn’t fathom why I would want to wear nail polish in the first place and remained convinced that I just did it for a performance I had during the weekend. The contrast between this and my weekend is so baffling and stark.

I’m so happy I found the courage to begin the process of trying out different labels and ways of presenting myself. Although I still don’t know if I’m bisexual with a strong preference towards women or if I’m a translesbian who’s too scared to think about myself in that way.


#28

Today’s a big day for me and this thread is here for me all of a sudden so pitching in would be good I think.

My explorations of gender were probably most prominent through video games. I think it started with the first KOTOR, where I decided to replay it and make a female character for the first time and wound up feeling pretty good about it. From then on, I played as women whenever I had the chance too. Created characters were always women and I always drifted towards women in games with selectable rosters (fighting games especially). Whenever the topic came up of men playing women in games my reasoning at first was the old cliche "oh well if I’m gonna be looking at a character for a hundred hours I’d rather it be a girl, and then later switching to “male protags are so boring and overused” but deep down I knew those were both deflections. I felt a stronger connection to women, I liked the clothing options for female characters, it was comfortable.

I had an inkling I wasn’t cis throughout my early twenties, as my video game stuff became more explicitly personal. What really got the ball rolling was Animal Crossing New Leaf. With games like Animal Crossing I always just made myself as the player character (as do most people), but in this latest one, I knew the clothes weren’t gender locked, and immediately started putting together cute, girly outfits. It felt very liberating to see “me” in dresses and skirts and tights and all that, and I’d openly play like that around my friends. I feel like they might have seen it coming haha. I found out you could unlock haircuts meant for the opposite gender and when I did that, and essentially made “myself” indistinguishable from uh, cis Animal Crossing girls, I felt such a powerful feeling deep in my heart. I started feeling a deep personal connection to my FFXIV character. I started making “girl versions” of me with mii maker and those cute online avatar creators. I messed around a bit with cross dressing (the dresses I bought were too small and not very flattering on me which probably held me back a bit). Through all of this, I just considered myself a cis guy who thought gender expectations were nonsense. I had to tell myself that a lot.

The realization that I was a woman literally came to me in a dream where nothing special happened other than I suddenly had boobs. But that sparked it and the whole next day I could barely speak as I wrestled with the realization. My now wife knew something was up and after struggling to fall asleep that night I said I needed to talk to them about something. It took me a whole hour to get the courage to say it, and they were immediately supportive. Since then I’ve had a steady stream of realizations that this wasn’t really a recent development, even outside the video games. The fact that all the characters I identified with most in my own fiction were women; how I discovered yuri as an early teen and became an avid reader of yuri manga and loved lesbian ships, worrying that it looked like I was fetishising lesbians when the truth was that I felt a stronger connection to female protags who were attracted to women than I ever did to men; the time when I was like 5 and put on my mom’s nightgown and felt more at peace than I ever had in my life. It’s been a trip but I’m getting to a place in life where I feel comfortable and happy with myself. This past weekend I went out to see Spirited Away in a theater downtown with friends and I wore all girl clothes in public for the first time! It was scary as shit but I did it.

Anyway this is a bigass post but yeah I’m probably starting hrt today thank’s


#29

This part is hitting home hard for me. Now that I think about it, the only Character I got to max level when I was still playing WoW was my female elf rogue. When I got into Mass Effect 2 I only played male shepard the first time and every single playthrough after that I chose femshep (never picked maleshep in Mass Effect 3). I justified it at the time with Jennifer Hale being the better performer. Whenever I have the coice I create a female character.

95% of my favourite comics all feature women in the main role. The ones that don’t have at least one woman in the main cast that has her own side story going on (Matt Fractions Hawkeye comes to mind).

My stomach turns whenever someone calls me a man.

The thought of wlw being unsafe, because they see me as a man is one of my biggest fears.


#30

Well it’s been about a week since I’ve realized that hey maybe I wanna be a woman, or at the very least not physically present as masc, and the panic has gone from high key to low key.

I’m gonna talk to a pal of mine who is FTM for his advice/support, and I was already planning to see a counselor for my depression once my job’s medical insurance kicks in, so I’m adding gender stuff onto my list of stuff to talk to a doc about.

It’s not the exploration of my gender that frightens me, self-reflection has always been a big part of my life that I actively embrace. What scare me is what literally everyone but my friends will think. Honestly make that everyone but most of my friends. One of my close AFAB friends played around with her gender a lot, until she realized she was comfortable with being a woman, just not the gender roles assigned to her. She’s plenty valid and I’m glad she explored her gender, but I’m worried some of our mutual friends might see what she did and not take me seriously cause they believe I’ll just end up calling myself a man again in two years.


#31

All the best with working out your gender. Is this where the whole “gender fluid” business comes in?


#32

I’m loving this thread and these stories have really affected me.

I’m not trans. I was born male and identify as a man. That’s never really been something I had any issue with.
However I have been dating a trans women for over two years and have lived together for about a year.
I’m lucky that all my friends and family who are aware of her being trans have never expressed any issues with her and have consistently used the correct pronouns (well, except my mother who is a native Finnish speaker, which doesn’t have gendered pronouns, but she screws it up for everyone every once and a while)

I feel lucky that we live in such a left leaning part of the country where we can go out, hold hands and generally not worry. Though she has had a few less ideal experiences without me. I suspect because I’m a bit intimidating looking people don’t bother us when we’re together.

She’s told me a few times she never expected to be in a normal relationship because of being trans, but we’ve been together for a while and that doesn’t look like it’s going to change.

The worst experience so far has been meeting her mother, who does not recognize her as a women. So the conversation with her mostly revolves around me reaffirming how straight I am, and no I’ve never been with a man, and no I don’t see your daughter even remotely as a man, and actually I think she’s very pretty.
Thankfully everyone else in our life is 100% supportive and we mostly just ignore her mother in preparation for cutting her out entirely one day if this persists.


#33

No idea! I’m just kinda flying by the seat of my pants here! All I know is I don’t like being a man!


#34

Can I ask what aspects of being a man you don’t like?


#35

I had a big list typed out and I was gonna post it, but honestly it all boils down to two big points.

  • Being perceived as a man by other people feels wrong for me.
  • Regardless of how other people perceive me, I can’t look at my body in the mirror without thinking this is a man’s body, and that it doesn’t feel great. Like, I’m not disgusted or anything, but looking at myself and going “yup, issa guy” just feels…disappointing? Like no matter how skinny or muscular or handsome I get, it could BE BETTER just by not being a dude bod

#36

Aaaah this is a good thread! Good work and good luck to everyone figuring it out!

CW: Sex stuff!

I’m finally living as a trans woman, just about everywhere except work. For me, the hardest question to get past was “is this a fetish??”, because chatrooms, roleplay, and transformation fantasies have always been a big part of my personal sexuality. As it turns out, if you only enjoy sex by imagining yourself as a different gender, you may indeed be that gender! Since puberty, I’ve connected most closely with lesbian sexuality, in a way that was ambiguously different from my cishet guy friends’ interest in “girl-on-girl action.”

There were other things, of course, like a lack of interest in male fashion, or feeling like I had no goals or ambition as a guy, but all it really took, as others here have already said, was someone on Twitter saying something like “wanting to be a girl is basically being a girl!”


#37

i’ve deleted and rewritten like 4 different (even wordier) versions of this the past few months. “this is an obscure enough forum that no one i know will recognize this username” feels like famous last words but oh well.

i’m pretty sure i’m a woman. or i wish that i was? im still working through it. i first started questioning this past fall.

that’s the first time i’ll have told that to another person.

there were things that feel like hints in hindsight. its something i’ve thought about a lot. but i’m hesitant to put meaning on stuff from before. like, there might be something to always picking Lucina over Marth. but pointing to that kind of stuff as justification for how i feel, feels weird. like im making a list with two columns, Am Girl and Am Not Girl. video games have been helpful for exploring myself since then, though.

what i did have, still have, was a sense of disappointment and resignation about my body and voice. i started losing my hair at 18, and remember i felt unable to be cute. i hated wanting to be cute, and, having been told it was the only way act like a Real Man™, shaved it and grew a beard… i had an assumption that duh, all guys probably would rather be a girl, they just dont talk about it. which, typing that out, yeah. it took till September to think that maybe those things weren’t a universal experience.

since then, i’ve been doing lots of thinking and, when possible, trying. i shaved my beard, shaved my legs a few weeks after that. sometimes when i have the place to myself, i try painting my nails. in fleeting moments, it makes me feel good. more feminine. almost pretty. approaching cute. then i notice my stubble and receding hairline again, and that goes away.

the disappointment comes back, but its worse each time, knowing that it doesn’t have to be the default.

by now i’m pretty sure i’d rather live as a woman. i’ve seen that “if you could push a button” thought thing, and i’m at a solid Yes on that.

but i also dont know that i’m unhappy enough to risk wrecking the rest of my life. i’m financially dependent on my folks – i live with them and they’re helping to pay for a lot of college. there’s a good chance that coming out means getting kicked out. to say nothing of the otherwise good relationship i have with them. getting independent would take a long time, and music’s not generally a great field for making the Big Buck’s. its not lost on me that i’m in a place of privilege to even have that as part of the equation. but i’m really struggling with it. i dont know what ill end up doing.

i’m on course to have things pretty okay!! all i have to do is just not want to be a girl, and i dont think i can and… it sucks.


#38

For some reason, I haven’t logged on to Waypoint in forever and just did and saw all your posts!!!

So proud of and happy for all of you!!!

This is just the coolest thing and I’m really grateful for everything y’all have shared.

As a brief update, I’m now living with my partner and I feel really comfortable using she/her pronouns around her and around some of my friends. I’m not in a position to transition now, and I’m not sure exactly what I want, but I know that my partner loves me whatever I do with my body. I’m really happy about that.

Anyway, bless ya’ll!!!


#39

I was a queer little kid forced to please my parents basically all my life, but realized i was definitely trans maybe 3 years ago during a trans day of awareness in college. Before that, I LOVED make up from afar, nail polish was beautiful and I always had the brightest queerest socks I could find as my own little heaven to express something, anything outside of the cis male I had to pretend to be with family.

I can’t even experiment or express it until I move out sadly, so until then I’m just stuck. It’s so hard building an identity for yourself when you based your own out of just pleasing others and looking “okay” for whatever events they have. But i do what i can and am thankfully moving out in a few months! So i can come out, transition, and be myself at least in my own space for once.

I realized I was polyamarous shortly after just asking why the hell not lmfao.


#40

After what happened to me yesterday, I feel compelled to make an update to the post I made in this thread at the start of the year. Apologies in advance, it’s probably going to be another long rambling mess.

A few months after I made the post in January, I ended up starting to take estrogen and spiro in secret. I still had intentions to stay in the closest as long as humanly possible, because I was afraid of the very real risk of getting kicked out of the house by my Jehovah’s Witness mom if she found out. However, I felt I had to at least take that step in transitioning for the sake of my mental health, which was really bad at that point. (CW: suicide) Essentially I reached a point where I was fantasizing about killing myself really regularly, but at the same time wasn’t able to get myself to follow through with it. So I was just stuck in this awful limbo of not wanting to continue on with life but not being able to stop either and I just felt absolutely awful all the time. I knew that most trans people say their mental health improves a lot just from getting on the correct hormones, so despite the risks involved if my mom learned what I was doing I found a source for estrogen and spiro and started.

Well the good news is that it did help my mental health which, although still far from perfect, is a lot better than it was at the start of this year. The bad news(?) is that my mom found my pills yesterday and now knows I’m trans. However, the absolutely last thing I expected happened: she actually has initially taken it quite well? She mainly said she felt bad that I’d been dealing with this alone, that she realizes since I’m an adult she has no place to tell me what I should do with my body, that there were signs of this and she probably should have realized a long time ago, and that she still loves me. Which, like, would already be a better response than someone could hope from their parent no matter the parent’s religion, but is absolutely wild if you know anything about Jehovah’s Witnesses? Like, for some context, look at this freaking graph (data from the United States, where I live):

Obviously this data is related to homosexuality and not trans people, but generally you’d expect people that hate one part of the LGBTQIA community to hate all parts of the community and Jehovah’s Witnesses are no exception. So, considering that in 2014 only 16% of JWs said society should be accepting of homosexuality, this response from my mom is just absolutely completely unexpected and extremely encouraging. If she doesn’t change her mind, I can take way more steps in my transition that I hadn’t been before without getting kicked out of the house.

Of course, it’s far from a definite sign that things are going to work out. I’ve heard plenty of stories of trans people’s parents that seem accepting at first, but then end up changing their mind for whatever reason and end up being really hostile. Also there’s the risk that she talks to other JWs about it and they convince her that actually I am an abomination in the face of God and she has to kick me out and cut me out of her life or she’s committing a grave sin. Still, this went a million times better than I could have ever expected and I have a little hope that things might work out. At the very least, if I do get kicked out, I have a friend that has offered some financial help (and given me a ton of moral support already).

Okay well. That was way too long, sorry for posting this absolute mess of a post. I’m just in shock right now and wanted to post about it, I guess?