Gender Stories Share Zone

#42

Gonna bump this thread for a thing I’m really happy about.

It’s been a bit since I’ve realized I’m gender queer, and I’ve been slowly exploring what that means for me in regards to how I want to present to the outside world. I’m slowly warming up to the idea of changing my pronouns, I’ve been really slow to do it cause I just present so incredibly masculine that I was scared no one would take me seriously. But my FTM friends have been encouraging me to try out different pronouns even if I still look the same as always and I trust them.

Also on Sunday I went to a party with makeup on for the first time. Which sounds like a small thing, but for the first time in my life I felt cute! I’m not exactly bad looking but I’ve always been called and thought of myself as “handsome” at best, which has always felt “male” which isn’t how I wanna be seen by others. So getting to feel actually cute for the first time in my life cause I put on some makeup made me so happy.

I’m gonna keep exploring my gender stuff and how I wanna present. I’ve made myself a promise that I’m gonna buy myself some tights or a skirt or blouse for Xmas, even if I’m only wearing them around the house.

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#43

That’s where I was several years ago. In my case, it led to transitioning socially and medically. I don’t know where your journey will take you, but I can say there are a lot of seemingly small things which can actually be massive. Having been there in my own way, the makeup thing doesn’t sound small at all. There can be monumental emotional weight behind things which others may experience as trivial and commonplace. Celebrate every win.

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#44

Well done for going to the party!! I’d definitely recommend finding spaces you feel safe to experiment and express yourself without scrutiny.

I don’t know whether you have this where you live, but I recommend online shops with free returns. I have been surprised at which styles do and don’t suit me, and these services have helped me get a feel for different looks and body types.

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#45

I wanna thank @kristina & @docky cause I wanted to bump this thread with an update yesterday, but decided against it after realizing I’d be bumping it for the second time in a row over a period of months. But now that you’ve revived this thread with your kind words of encouragement, I have a free pass to post.

My parent’s are out of town for the week, so I finally got around to buying myself a pair of women’s pants, a couple of cute tops, mascara, and my own nail polish. Honestly I genuinely dreaded every part of the actual shopping. I shopped in store so I could try things on, and the entire time I felt so lost and out of my element. On top of that, there was this general fear that I would make my purchases, go home, put it all on, and all I’d see in the mirror is a big hairy man in an outfit he had no business in.

But gang,

I got home and put it all on together and I felt cute as Hell . I’ve been wearing the make up and outfit I got whenever I’m home from work and I’m filled with joy every time I walk past a mirror. I look like how I genuinely want to look, and what’s even more amazing to me I did it without editing my body. I was so sure that my masculine looking body would get in the way of me being able to enjoy wearing any of it. Turns out that’s a nope, this big hairy body looks GOOD in what I got & I love it.

I’ve been trying to find a label for my Gender Stuff that felt right. I’m not a man, I know that. I don’t think I’m a woman or trans, at least for now. For a while I felt like I was… doing enough, (which is a bullshit sentiment), to be anything like gender-queer or gender-fluid but given my growth with gender in the last months I finally feel comfortable with calling myself gender-queer!

Now I just gotta figure out my pronoun situation…

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#46

That’s awesome! Congratulations on braving the store, and finding some happiness.

Pronouns can be hard, particularly for nonbinary people, because there’s so many out there.

Conveniently, they is a pretty solid placeholder until, or if, you decide you want a different one later.

Met a lot of people that stuck to that, a few Ze/Zir/Xe/Xir people… some who use a number, and have ordered lists, of “I prefer They/Them, then She/Her, then it, then He/Him,” which can depend on the person they’re talking to, or situation, or how they’re feeling. Even met a few people who prefer “it,” which is cool. A few bad personal experiences with being called it in… less ideal ways… has me a little soured on it, but seeing some people finding joy in it is awesome, and helps.

The important part is the happiness, and usually some exploration to find it. It sounds like you’re well on your way, and it’s making my Grinch heart grow. Never feel bad about bumping this thread. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::+1:

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#47

I’m still working out a proper post for this thread, but I’m gonna let you in on something: The measurements for femme clothing are 100% bullshit and arbitrary, so it’s okay if you felt lost in terms of trying to find things in your size.

Damn near everyone feels lost in the women’s department. I was raised following my mom around women’s departments and having to try loads of shit on, and the only fucking thing I ever figured out how to buy right is shoes.

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#48

I’ve always heard that about sizes on feminine clothing, but good god depending on the item I ranged from L to XXL. It was all Old Navy how wasn’t that shit standardized at least among their own brand???

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#49

I’m still not convinced Old Navy has a system. It feels like it’s by item.

Helping a friend move, they found an old coat somebody had left at a party, and they were like “Hey, you want this, it’s a small?” I laughed, usually being a medium or large (sometimes XL/XXL on dresses.) but it fits perfectly.

Also ended up giving away an AGDQ shirt, because it was cartoonishly small. Conveniently, I’ve found that my sister and I are remarkably similar in size, and she has a pretty good idea of what sizes she orders from different companies at this point. (As well as being a very good source for hand-me-downs to try various styles I might not left to my own devices.)

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#50

One of my new year’s resolutions this year is to further and more openly explore my gender.
I thought I was trans several years ago, and even started taking hormones briefly, but I walked back on that.

I still have a lot of conflicting thoughts and uncertainty about myself. I’ve been to therapy about it, and my therapist gave me some great advice: you don’t have to decide anything now.
I think my biggest issue before was that I jumped to the conclusion that if I’m not 100% a cis dude then I must be a trans woman. I think subconciously I was still subscribing too much to the concept of a gender binary, even though I conciously knew that was wrong.

He told me to take smaller steps to explore myself, and that’s what I intend to do. I bought a skirt the other day and it made me feel great. I’ve been thinking about getting (back) into painting my nails, and maybe looking into laser hair removal. None of these things make me a girl, and that’s okay. I can take things at my pace and find where the line is.

While it sounds like I’ve kinda figured stuff out, I still have a lot of unease. I’m still scared that maybe I am trans after all and I made a mistake stopping transitioning. There were several other factors that caused me to make that decision, and I’m not sure how things would’ve shaken out in a vaccuum. Gender is scary.

For now, I want to take things as they come as see where that goes. Any words of encouragement would be cool.

edit (April 2019): After making this post and doing what I said I’d do I found my boundries. I’m not trans, I’m just not masculine, and that’s chill. Exploring and knowing more about yourself is real important y’all!! Glad I didn’t just bury this shit this time.

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#51

i wish you the best of luck in exploring your identity!

& i would say don’t worry about stopping your transition, you can transition at any time in your life so it isn’t a “missed opportunity” to have ultimately decided against going through with it in the past. also, “transitioning” can be a lot of different things, so it might be easier to know what’s most important to you and how you want to present before embarking on that journey. i wouldn’t say you have to be absolutley sure of yourself and what you want before you transition bc that sort of rhetoric is used as gatekeeping a lot of the time, and like what does it even mean to be sure of yourself when society desperately wants you to think your identity is invalid and it’s super hard not to internalize that to some degree, but it definitely is a big decision (and one i’m still struggling with myself lol)

i’m no expert on any of this stuff, this is all advice i’ve heard from other trans people, but i hope it is a comfort to you in some way. you aren’t alone in this struggle

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#52

So, like, I have recently admitted, after years of denial, that I am bigender.

I… feel incredibly ashamed that I have been denying this for about a decade soon. Looking back at how happy I was when I was referred both as he and she as a child, how I felt that no matter if I liked a boy or a girl that I was liking the same gender, how I had several fantasies about characters who would swap between male and female identity for years it feels incredibly silly that I didn’t wanted to acknowledge it earlier.

The main thing that was real holding me back though was the fact. For me being a man or a woman has always, always been also about who I am attracted. As in I had only crushes on girls when I was a girl and only crushes on boys while I was a boy. And that is like… not something people would easily understand.

This is very natural to me but I still feel a great deal of shame over it and feeling that I am intruding no matter how I express myself. I dunno if I will ever get over this feeling but at least now I can acknowledge who I always was even if I didn’t wanted to admit it for so many years.

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#53

Is it frivolous to decide I’m agender because I simply am not comfortable with the preconceived notions of any gender? I mean, right now, you’d be forgiven for thinking I’m a cis male because of the way I present, but internally, I don’t think I like being boxed in at all. Am I being weird?

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#54

Nah, you are not. Even if you think you have ‘frivolous’ reasons if it does not feel right being boxed as a cis male that is more than enough.

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#55

That is 100% a valid way to experience gender. Not frivolous at all.

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#56

I’ve been wanting wanting to pierce my ears and septum for a while now and yesterday I finally did so. After seeing myself in the mirror it felt like missing puzzle pieces falling into place. There was a sense of relief, followed by a state of euphoria for the rest of the day, continuing into this morning. I am non-binary, this is real and my feelings are valid.

Now that I’ve got the bling, I’m even starting to like my facial hair more again. I love experimenting with my look and realizing just how different I can look. Here’s a pic from yesterday:

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