How do you feel about dating apps?


#1

Something happened last night, long story short it lead to me staying up all night googling and reading articles about how class divide effects sex and dating. And from what I can tell the big 3 (Tinder, Bumble and OKCuptd) seem to be helping bring people of different socioeconomic backgrounds together. Because most people seem to care less about that, and far more about who someone is, what someone’s goals are and how they plan on achieving them, and of course core values and interests and/or how good sex with someone might be. “And/or” because most people using dating sites aren’t Asexual and sexual compatibility is important to most people, and some people just use them for sex, nothing wrong with that.

But this is just one very tired Black 21 year old’s take on this. What does the Waypoint community think of dating apps?

And here’s something cool that I couldn’t find a way to sneak into that paragraph.


#2

I met my wife on OKCupid in 2010, just before dating apps took off. While I have no personal experience with them, I have enjoyed hijacking my friends’ phones and merrily swiping away on their behalf. Still, I do think the fundamentals of dating haven’t changed much in the digital age. It’s still rough to not be someone’s “type”. It’s still awkward as hell making small talk on a first date. And it still sucks until you meet someone you click with, at which point it becomes the greatest thing you’ve ever done. The difference now is that potential partner selection is much more efficient, with dating apps allowing us to dice up the population by all manner of categories.

But that efficiency is why I find it difficult to imagine that these apps are making us cross socio-economic divides more than before. I remember scanning countless OKCupid profiles which subtly or overtly indicated racial preference, for instance. And I’m not going to act holier than thou about this; I totally put up a filter to not consider anyone who hadn’t either obtained or was in the process of obtaining a post-secondary degree. But I’d love to see articles that say otherwise if you’d like to share.

Also, that Wired link is a great read. As someone who is both in an interracial marriage and an engineer, it appealed to all my interests. Thanks @Cheeki_Breeki!


#3

Grindr in the east England countryside was dreadful. thanks for reading.


#4

I met my girlfriend of 2.5 years on Tindr, but it was a mess before that. There’s an interesting thought concerning socio-economic lines. I’d be curious to see how much people implicitly or explicitly filter potential partners based on factors like college degrees etc.


#5

I’ve been using Bumble and I quite like it. I’m rather shy so it’s kinda nice that there’s a dating app that goes against the social norms of guys should make the first move. I was actually suggested it from a female friend who liked it because it let her get final say in who could message her which at the time OKC let you DM anyone which as you can guess leads to all sorts of gross messages.

In regards to what @Navster touched on I don’t really see an issue with using filters. It’s actually why I really dislike things like super liking that tell the other person you liked their profile enough that you spent money so they will notice you. It puts the receiver in a really awkward position because this person clearly has a strong interest in you but they maybe are just not your type. You feel obligated almost to like them back.

I think dating apps do help bring people of different backgrounds together tho. I have ended up talking to people that if you just judged them by their photos you would have never have guessed that they are really into sci-fi or things we label as nerdy.

The hardest part I think is being honest with yourself about what it is you are looking for in a potential significant other and realizing that just because you have preferences doesn’t make you a horrible person.


#6

There hasn’t been much wide-ranging research on the topic of people who can afford higher education dating people who can’t. But what little there is revolves around the fact that there’s a wide and growing education gap in the Western countries, especially the US. More and more women are focused on higher education and men simply aren’t. This growing education already means that college-educated straight women wanting to date college-educated men are at a severe disadvantage, and very understandably many if not most women don’t like the idea of similarly educated man having more options than them because of what is meant to be an equalizing factor (higher education). So less and less women (especially younger women) prioritize finding a partner of their education level or higher because doing so puts them at a very real disadvantage and gives an uncomfortable amount of power to a select few men.

I’d love to pretend that something about this makes me feel better as a young man who’s not in college. But it doesn’t because I don’t want this divide to exist at all. Because it shouldn’t exist at all. Because higher-education shouldn’t be a decision that either impoverishes the average person and their family or just isn’t an option for the average person in the US because of the sky high and ever increasing cost of it.

I hate that it feels like this lessening of the importance of education levels in dating feels so coerced because for the growing number of women able to seek higher education there’s an either comparatively stagnant or even shrinking pool of men of the same education level. Which means that using education as a filter is becoming more and more statistically impossible.

I have no qualms about dating women who make more money than me or are in school or are seeking advanced degrees. But I hate the idea that the only reason a woman in that position would give me a chance is because she basically has no other options.
@Bugseye


#7

I feel like at this point in life, they’re my only chance of actually finding a date. There’s a lot to criticize about them - Tinder is apparently kinda shitty towards trans people, and like any other social network, they seem to be a pretty poor job of filtering out the garbage. But not being in school anymore, and not having any single co-workers (not that I’d be thrilled about dating a co-worker anyway), pretty much my only chance of finding a date is to hope I’ll meet a friend of a friend who is both single and my type, which does not tend to happen naturally at a rate that’s worth talking about.


#8

I’m 22, and as time goes on dating apps seem to be becoming the only really effective way to get a date, which is a problem because I kind of don’t like using them.

I’ve only used Tinder and OKCupid. Tinder I’m not cool with. The “swipe right, swipe left” thing just makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know if that’s reasonable or not, and I’d seen some stuff in relation to what @BigNoNo posted that’s just… blech.

OKCupid I find a lot more palatable, since it seems to surface a lot more about actual potential talking points or red flags that could come up on a first date, and seems less focused on a “yes or no” binary right off the bat. But again, I’m made pretty uncomfortable by the idea of being matched to a person via computer algorithm. Just a personal hang up I have to get over, honestly.


#9

I’ve heard good things about Bumble from female friends. I haven’t heard much bad, but I have heard one major complaint by friends that prefer Tinder. Basically they don’t need a dating app that allows men to do even less, which I completely understand.


#10

Well on the bright side. Dating apps are definitely the way most dating gets done these days for people of all ages.


#11

You are definitely not alone. The sustained, rapid rise and normalization of these apps (Tinder, Bumble, and OKCupid in particular) is almost entirely due to them being effective. They work as advertised. More importantly than that though, they’re efficient and the way things were done just wasn’t. Maybe it’s because of how young I am, but I barely remember what telling girls I liked them in school was like except for the most painfully awkward experiences. Because that’s what dating without these modern inventions is like, awkward and strange and making yourself uncomfortably vulnerable and trying to get someone else to do the same, hopefully without either of you getting hurt.

Dating apps, for all their problems. are a net positive because of what they’ve done to the awkward, clunky, painful art of finding intimacy with other people. Be it for romance, sex, both, hell even just finding new friends has been streamlined. And that streamlining has caused the associated awkwardness and pain to decrease substantially. Because everyone on Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, etc are all on there for similar reasons.

I’m indifferent to Tinder’s odd sort of gamification of telling people you’re interested in talking to them, but I completely understand the discomfort you feel towards that.


#12

Well, they seem to be made entirely not for me, so uh i’ve never really used any.


#13

I’ve been thinking about it recently (since deciding to start using them). It’s not really an ideal avenue for me: I usually end up either feeling (a) that I know too much from someone’s profile before I’ve met them, so that the little similarities and things in common don’t come out organically, or (b) that a profile is empty and I end up having to decide how I feel about someone based largely on just a coupla photos.

Which was a depressing realisation because I tried dating apps because I’m always too shy about addressing my feelings to people I like in person, and then found out that addressing my feelings to people I like in person is probably what I should really do.

In conclusion, I’m doomed.


#14

So that was my main experience with OkCupid which is why I went back and outside of questions I felt were important I marked them as private. Then I can’t go and read all their answers and convince myself it would never work.

As for empty profiles I just skip past those, if someone can’t be bothered to write a few sentences about who they are then I rather not waste my time.


#15

I gotta tell you, I’ve only had bad experiences in the past, but it’s mostly because I live in a little college town and I think I was looking for companionship without knowing why I wanted it. If you’re in school and happy where you live, I think your experience will be better than mine, and I’ve had a lot of friends make the connections they wanted from dating apps. Just, I guess, make sure know what you’re looking for? And at the very least, if you find yourself struggling and uncertain of what you’re looking for like I’ve been, then one of the benefits of the online dating experience (as opposed to, like, a workplace or school or something) is that you can delete the app and move on from a negative experience. (of course, normal etiquette and treating people with decency still should apply)


#16

For as much as I praise our new norm for dating. I’ve definitely had bad experiences. I think everyone has, no matter where you are. I personally don’t think that looking for something from dating apps without having an exact idea of what you’re looking for is necessarily a bad thing. As long as you have some idea of what you’re not looking for.

As someone who’s had a very negative experience with a classmate, I couldn’t agree with this more if I tried. And that was in High school, I can’t imagine how much worse things would’ve been if we’d been in the much more serious environment that is College/University.

Always.

Thank you for sharing your experience. The negative is just as important as the positive.


#18

I use dating apps because, being honest, you kind of have to, especially if you want to meet queer people you haven’t already dated/slept with (at least where I live), but boy are they ineffective for me. I’ve only ever been on one date off of a dating app. I have a hard time figuring out how to start conversations with something more than “hi, how are you” unless someone has something obvious I can point out in their bio, but if I don’t start the conversation it probably won’t happen.

TLDR: I suck at dating apps but use them anyway


#19

This definitely plays a role in my not digging dating apps so massively. I’m from a small town where there’s barely anyone my own age (and if there are, they’re probably married / in a serious relationship). On the plus side, I came up with a comedy idea as a result of it so swings and roundabouts.


#20

I used a few dating sites (too old for apps) back in 2013, and met my now wife on one of them. I found them to have numerous pitfalls (most already mentioned in this thread) but somehow it ended up working for me.

Like most things, I like the idea of them, yet feel they could be implemented better. And like most things, I have no idea actually how their implementation could be improved.


#21

I’m on them a lot and I’ve spent a little money on premium accounts and “boosts.”

I haven’t gotten much out of them, a few dates, a few hookups, but then again I’m never sure what I’m really after while I’m on there.

On the other hand, one of my best friends met her now husband through one and they’re incredibly happy together.