How often do you see your parents? How often do you talk?


#1

I got engaged recently, much to my delight! It goes without saying, however, that he process also brings an amount of stress. For starters I am already beginning to see how difficult the “great transition” can be for both my mother and my significant other, as my fiance is solidified as the most important woman in my life.

I want to test the waters here a little.

How often do you visit your parents? How often do you talk with your parents?

(secondary question, how transparent are you with them? how much do you owe them as parents?)


#2

I see them once a week usually. We live in the same town so it’s pretty easy. They’ve helped me out a lot after I moved out, so I try to help them out in return anyway I can.

But I also don’t have a ton going on in my life. If I had a partner I could see me seeing them less.


#3

We live in the same city, so we talk every other day or so. I usually see them at least once a week, if not more.

As for the secondary question, I owe them everything. I can be as transparent as I want to them, although there’s some stuff I choose not to share.


#4

Live in the same city as my parents. We stay in touch every couple of days, but it may be a quick text just to check-in etc;

My partner and I go out to dinner once a month, and I wish we could do it at least every two weeks. My parents allow me to talk about whatever I want, but there will be certain topics we don’t because of political views. I owe them a lot, since they did everything they could to provide (and succeeded) with a comfortable childhood.


#5

I moved out of my parents about 5 years ago to the next city over and I see them about once a month. If I had a car I might go over more often but at the same time the odd monthly visit is plenty for me.


#6

There’s a whole lot I could say here, but I’ll try and keep it somewhat short and relevant.

Me and my partner live halfway across the country from our parents, so we only get to see them in person a couple times a year. We go there for the winter holidays, and they come here in the summer.

My partner is really close with her mom and texts with her almost every day, as far as I can tell. Her abusive dad not so much.

I only text my parents once every few weeks, if something important is going on or something comes up that makes me think of them. I’ll text my mom today because it’s Valentine’s day. I’ll probably chat with my dad about Olympic Hockey at some point. Most of the information they get about my family comes from my partner posting pictures of our kids on facebook.

I don’t hide anything from my parents, but I don’t share a lot without them asking. Opportunity-wise, I owe them a ton… I’m a middle-class white guy from a middle-class white family that grew up in a quiet middle-class neighborhood with good schools. They made sure I got into a decent college. I didn’t have to take out any loans of my own to get through four years.

But emotionally I never actually felt all that close to them. They never seemed to take much interest in the things that I enjoyed doing. While they never actively discouraged me from spending time on video games and computers, whenever I showed interest in something else I realized how excited they actually could be if I chose to do something they thought was more appropriate.

My feelings about my relationship with my parents are weirdly complicated considering how vanilla my childhood was.

Somewhat relevant: once when I was a kid watching Everybody Loves Raymond (a sitcom where the main character is constantly torn between pleasing his wife and his mother), I remember my mom making a comment about how if I got married and started a new family, they should be the most important thing in my life, not her. That if parents do their jobs right, they won’t be needed forever.

Edit: Ages are probably relevant here. My partner and I are in our early 30’s.


#7

For context. my parents divorced when I was in elementary school.

I see my mom pretty much every few weeks either to help out with activities or hangouts. We keep in touch from family matters to just simple talks about current events.
I don’t see my dad too often since he hasn’t been a family person. We keep in touch but only to see how things are going. He helped me get through college and was there for me when we hangout when I was still a kid so he wasn’t completely bad just didn’t do enough for most of my life compare to my mom.


#8

I try to call (or at the very least text) my mom every week. I live abroad so seeing her in person is kind of tricky. I feel kind of bad about it since she doesn’t really have much going on. We don’t have a lot in common interest wise (she likes sports and history; I like literature, math and not watching sports), but I try my best to find something to talk to her about.


#9

Basically Never

I don’t have any problems with my parents, we’re just not very communicative, as a family? I saw my parents at Christmas and will next see them… uh, maybe summer? I live one county away I could definitely see them more often (I don’t drive and they live in the countryside though so it’s like, two trains and two buses/one car away).

I will call, on special occasions? Mother’s day, father’s day, birthdays. Christmas day I spent with my boyfriend’s family so I called then. When I do call, mum and I will have things to talk about, where dad and I… have very little in common. We’ll talk about my brother’s son, mostly. I feel bad because he was very close with his dad and we are just, not, at all.

I don’t particularly feel bad about it. I feel bad that I don’t feel as bad as I feel I should? Shrug.


#10

I’m on good terms will most if not all my family but it varies how much I see them.
My parents were divorced since before I could form tangible memories and most of my life has been a 50-50 split, until I could make my own decisions nearing 18 and I mostly stuck with my mom until I moved out a few years ago, I’m just closer with my mom than my dad but both sides of my family are pretty equal in my love for them.
And they can both be casually racist and transphobic.

I’ve been struggling with the obligation I feel to confront them whenever they rag on immigrant families, chat ignorantly about an acquaintance / neighbour coming out as trans, or just make racist accents for comedy.
I find it hard, both because I’m pansexual and genderqueer myself, and because I feel outnumbered, those call-outs tend to move away from empathy to a exercise in debate, and I’m not great in that area.

It’s easy to dismiss your vehemently bigot uncle (no one like that in my life thankfully) but living with casual bigotry among close family is difficult.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there; basically we talk often and are on good if not great terms, but sometimes you just need a break…


#11

I live about five hours away from my mother and see her in person 4-5 times a year. I hate talking on the phone thiiiii
iiiii
iiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much and she’s a technophobe, so we mostly talk when she has a question/problem (anywhere from once in two weeks to several times in a week) or when she calls on the weekend and I endure it because technophobe + the parent from whom I probably inherited all of my anxiety issues + someone who actually needs people = not a good combination.

I’m not out to her, and her anxiety has also driven her to do some drastic things in the past, so I don’t feel comfortable confiding in her about anything that could potentially trigger it.


#12

I haven’t seen my father since early 2017, and even that was a mere casual conversation. I’m not investing any effort into contacting him. He’s, if anything, a distant uncle and that’s about it.

My mother i see daily.


#13

I’m fortunate that my wife and I both have solid and warm interactions with our in-laws. Her father lives a couple thousand miles away, although we’re considering moving closer to him soon. We see him every couple of years but she talks to him at least once a week. Her mother is not in the picture, though she does also have a close relationship with her aunt, who I adore. We see her fairly rarely because she lives overseas.

Because my parents live close-by, we see them about once a week, usually on Sundays. Again, I’m very lucky that my wife and parents get along well enough to allow this; I know it isn’t the case for everyone. My mother has also very much moved past the whole protective mother thing (honestly, she’s never really entirely been that kind of mom) and considers my wife a great friend.

I have a lot to be thankful for.


#14

This has been really insightful!

Seems a lot like talking at least once a week, and seeing them once or twice a month is pretty standard if you’re close, emotionally and physically. This is the kind of thing you don’t really talk to your friends about much so it’s nice to have everyone sharing so openly. It’s like wiping. You could wipe the wrong direction your entire life and never know it.

I’m close with my family but my mother has been overbearing my whole life so I’m a little private and distant at time and I know it’s a flaw. But at the same time she’s kind of rude sometimes and it’s impossible to get an apology. I don’t think talking weekly is much to ask so I’ll just step my communication game up.


#15

I live 1200+ miles away from my family and 1200+ miles the other direction from my in-laws. We usually see my side of the family about once a year, and her side 1-2 times a year.

My relationship with my own parents is not great. I call them every 2-3 weeks. My dad doesn’t like to talk on the phone really, and my mom just talks about her church the whole time, basically.

My relationship with my in-laws is, however, even more strained. They have never accepted me as part of their family, and I can tell, and they know that I can tell, and that still doesn’t change anything. For example, her entire side of the family forgot my birthday entirely this year - no calls, no texts, nothing.

Family stuff can suck, especially when it’s tied up in notions of eternity, faith, and the loss thereof. My wife and I left our families’ religion/cult, and our relationships have suffered for it. I’m grateful for the many miles of barrier every time I think about it.


#16

I see my mom a couple times a month, and she’s helped me and my family through some rough bits. My dad and I got into a fight about his smoking after my son was born and, well, it didn’t really end well and I haven’t spoken to him in a few years.

I see my in-laws probably at least once a week, though. We all live in the same city, so transit is never an issue at least.


#17

All the time because I still live with them hey-ooooo

I have recently considered moving out in a year’s time because…going to church, the weekly bible studies and going to a bible school would be great if I wasn’t like extremely disillusioned with faith. Saying so is a fight no one wins and likely means I get kicked out, but that’s a story for another time.

It has been interesting to see what dynamics people have with their parents. Thank you all for sharing :raised_hands:


#18

I’d say late teens to early 20s (leaving home, becoming a fully realised person) then basically we stopped talking (outside of major holidays and birthdays). I no longer felt I needed to be tracked (and needed the space to become myself rather than focus on transparency) and we hadn’t established much in the way of common adult interests (as peers) to even talk about. I also didn’t have a landline or an expensive phone contract (with lots of spare free minutes and good reception at home) which made it a practical issue.

Over time we established common ground, set boundaries, and so on but I’d say it is a very different relationship to any of my chosen family. We talk for an hour or so every weekend and catch up; we probably meet every month or two on average but usually still around events as they live in the countryside, which makes travel slow/difficult (and I try to spend the Christmas week there, as this seems to be something they feel strongly about - even if it also leads to lots of stress).


#19

Proud to say it’s been eleven months since I’ve had contact with my emotionally abusive mother and 5 years (almost to the day) since I’ve seen my now ex-stepfather, who was a massive piece of shit.

My father and stepmother, who have been distant my entire life, continue to have a nice, distant relationship. I used to be able to get to see them about once a month, but they have moved to the coast far away (Canada is big), so I get to see my Dad about once every 2 months (as he still technically works here and has to come back now and then) and my stepmother about twice a year. They both text me every few weeks to check in and tell me how things are going out there.


#20

We talk about once a month, and see each other about as often.

My mother has bad political views around black Americans. My father is center-right. We are distant because I will not cede ground to these views. It has not been difficult.