Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Rob Zacnys

please edit to include Robs Zacny though

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This, and also if you’re going to include “Zacni” for the faux-Latin pluralization you should really include “Zacnydes” for the Greek.

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:pensive:

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Please do not make rob read homestuck, no one deserves that.

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  1. Courts-martial, sergeants-major, robs-zacny.

  2. Rob, don’t read Homestuck.

2a. If these demons make you read Homestuck, Commodore Zacny, don’t hold back. It’s time to make them play Advanced Squad Leader. With all the expansions.

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[Rob pulls out a 3-ring binder]

Danielle: Okay, wow. That’s…
Austin: yeah, ummm. it’s a lot. ASL is like… a lot

Rob: Oh, that’s just the beginner rules.

[Rob begins stacking even more binders on the table]

Patrick: No. No no no no no. NO!

[A large, teetering tower of binders is now threatening to engulf the Waypoint Offices]

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Spot-on. Perfection.

[Danielle locates the “Sewer Emergence Table”]

Danielle: Sewer… [laughter] emergence table? Emerging from sewers?

Austin: Well, yeah, ASL is the kind of game that wants to have rules for all situations, and um…

[laughter, crosstalk, Patrick has already fled, claiming that he has to pick his daughter up from school]

Rob: Danielle, sewers provide an excellent array of tactical options. It’s no laughing matter.

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Patrick’s not allowed to leave until the scenario’s finished.

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[Bruce Geryk enters the room dragging Patrick by his collar]

Bruce: [inexplicable Hungarian accent] Hallo gamers!

Rob: Hi, Bruce. I was thinking we’d start them with an old standard, Hill 621.

Bruce: Oh, the Minsk scenario about Army Group Centre? Ten turns, a true classic. Sounds good. I have some books they should read first so they really understand the historical context.

Danielle: [audible wilting]

Austin: um, help? Someone?

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please continue feeding this waypoint fan-fiction directly into my veins

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Fanfiction, hell. @dogsarecool’s clearly got access to a time machine and transcripts.

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tbh I feel like Austin would get into a huge argument about game design principles but Danielle would eventually realize that she kinda digs ASL.

(sorry I gotta do some actual work rn)

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Real talk: ASL starter kit remains just manageable enough to be fun.

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(a couple of hours later)

Bruce: …so according to Glantz, by this point the Deep Battle doctrine had developed to the point where…

Danielle: okay, wait, I have a question. Do I have to play as the Nazis? I don’t wanna play a nazi!

Rob: It’s okay, Danielle. Because this scenario is unbalanced as designed, reflecting historical reality, what we’re gonna do is actually play it twice, taking turns on each side, and then evaluate our relative successes to see who really won.

Patrick: What. No!

Austin: [sighs]

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Based on how much Rob talks about history, it’s clear he loves sprawling narratives with a ton of characters. Rob, read Homestuck.

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This cannot be allowed to be done to someone in 2019.

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This thread is art.

(later)

Rob: Sorry, Patrick, you can’t fire on that unit because it has a concealment counter - technically, your guys can’t see them. Also, [rolls] the wind is backing this turn so the enemy smoke is likely to linger for a while.

Patrick: But they’re right there! This is bullshit! GAAAAAH!

Danielle: But if we Assault Move we’ll still have enough Movement Factor, right?

Rob: Yyyyeeesss… you can do that. Sure.

Austin: (to Bruce, whispering) That’s right into our Firelane, right?

Bruce: [Smiles wickedly and prepares to roll]

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Yes, I know that you don’t need a referee for ASL, but for the purposes of his revenge I figure supervising the play of Patrick & Danielle Vs Austin & Bruce would give Rob optimal satisfaction.

If nothing else, I find the pairing of Austin and Bruce to be an inherently hilarious mismatch. In the '80s they’d make buddy cop shows about pairings like that.

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