Tell me how you eat a pretzel

Visual aid:

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Here’s how I eat a pretzel:

Once every 3 years (the length of time it takes me to rehydrate)

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Deconstructed :smiling_imp:

Pick the pretzel seeds (the white flecks on top) off the pretzel chaff (the brown base). Eat the pretzel seeds, discard the pretzel chaff

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If I have a dip I will just tear it up as I go. If I am just eating it plain I will tear off one lobe, then the other, then the under hang, then go for the crucifix. For hard pretzels I eat the nubs, then lobes/under hang.

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I start at the nodule and begin disentangling the pretzel from there until it’s in a straight doughy line, as god intended.

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Much like a cinnamon roll, the barely cooked gooey inside is the best part of the pretzel. I eat everything else in whatever order then I devour the crucifix.

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I’ve only encountered these large pretzels in group settings like a bar outing and am always self conscious about not taking more than my share so wait for someone to tear into it and then take a small piece from the outside and avoid going back for more

was surprised the WP crew was either anti mustard or kinda ambivalent on the stream today, maybe it can’t compete with cheese given how ravenous people get for cheese but all mustard is great imho

CW mild-ish body humor

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I rip the spokes out by grabbing the nodules, then eat the crucifix - I want the pretzel to be shaped like a heart - and then unless I am sharing it with someone, I tend to just pick up the rest and eat it normally (probably starting from one of the lobes, though not for any reason other than ease of the first bite).

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Okay.

So.

For starters, pretzels are a mall food to me. I would not eat a pretzel like this at any other place other than a mall. Before anyone says ‘what about fairgrounds’, no. Fairs are for funnel cake, elephant ears, and those massive cups of lemonade that you watch someone vigorously shake before they hand you the now sticky cup you paid $10 for because you wanted $1 refills at every lemonade stand on the grounds.

Pretzels are something you get at an Auntie Anne’s in a mall where it is, for some reason, nowhere near the food court. You get a cinnamon-sugar one because the dough is soft and warm, the sweetness makes up for the weird texture of the cinnamon-sugar, and your mom just needs something to keep you from wandering off in a three-storey department store from the ages of 8-16.

(The employees do not appreciate you eating your pretzel near the clothing, but are clearly not being paid enough to talk to you or your mom about it. In a few years time, you too will know their pain. You will also not be getting paid enough.)

Anyway, I eat them around the outside from east to west lobe, and then the clough and the crucifix are last.

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This might sound unhinged, but I try to delicately unwind the whole thing and then eat it like an alkaline bread stick!

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Usually a lobe at a time, starting east because I’m right-handed

If we are going by the archetypal pretzel exhibited here, then I’m gonna have to pull a piece off and dip it in some mustard. A garlic sauce is suitable as an alternative, but I’m fond of a good Dijon.

YES. I am not usually a mustard kinda guy but a nice honey Dijon to go with an Auntie Anne’s pretzel? That’s just good living.

I’ll either go lobe → lobe → The Rest, or start with one lobe and then work my way around in a circle.
(Also, thank you vehemently, I am never going to be able to look at a pretzel ever again and not think of these part names.)

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I had to fight very hard to not immediately get Auntie Anne’s delivered lol

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i dont think ive eaten a pretzel in years

I’ve only ever seen Auntie Anne’s in malls, so I didn’t even know this was a thing??

I’m guessing it’s due to Uber Eats or other delivery services? They often have unconventional fare like mall food or theatre concessions.

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