So… This weekend wasn’t very fun, and in honesty, my heart has been in a bit of pain regarding Nick.
For some context, I met Nick when he was still working at Rev3. We’d become friends by chance and we started to talk regularly. I’d also been moderating his Twitch channel for a while and was proud of our small but positive and chill community.
But… it was like Austin said in today’s episode, there were certain things I’ve known in taking to mutual friends/acquaintances that we’d kept on the down low about out of respect of their wishes. And part of was hoping they were isolated instances but as we got closer to now, it was becoming more clear something was very wrong and this was a problem.
The feelings around it have been awful. Part of it is an anger and frustration of people berating those involved or close to Nick, especially victims who want to distance themselves from it and especially friends of mine.
The other part though is just the feeling of betrayal. I’ve known Nick for sometime now and he’d been extremely kind and warm to me, and especially to a lot of my friends. He’s also the reason that I have quite a lot of the friends I’ve had now and I just think back to times we’ve had heart to heart talks about things and just…
My heart is broken. Everything that ever felt good from that friendship feels like a lie, and it’s been intensely frustrating when I have people coming at me and my friends with their hot takes on it, even being confrontational. Of course I’m upset and angry, but it hurts in ways that I’ve been unable to talk about with people that just don’t understand how this has been making my heart ache.
Still, I’m glad for the friends who I’ve been able to talk to about it this weekend, and I’m glad Waypoint talked about it in such a civil and understanding way. Still it’s hard to think what happens from here.
It’s like nails being pounded into my heart, and even though those nails will eventually be removed, it’s going to leave some deep holes that will never heal.